Vatican Rejoices at First All E-Mark'sWorld!

As usual, I've been doing some traveling. I hadn't been working in Orlando for too long when I was asked to go along on a business trip to San Diego, where I took the opportunity to take a couple extra days of personal time to spend in a hotel in the same town as Jeff Bowen while he remained unavailable due to continued negotiations with a now ex-girlfriend. He did however seem to feel pretty guilty about essentially ignoring me (though not as guilty as when he rolled my truck, see last Mark'sWorld) and was very generous with his time, money and affection when he visited me in Orlando the following fall.

Denise apologizes with dinner after not even bothering to be at home, or even in town when I arrive in Helena. (Yes, that's her bedpost behind us with hundreds of names carved into it)

Late in the year, Jeff Benson met me in Tampa to drink beer, go to strip clubs, and watch the Seahawks play the Buccaneers. Returning the "favor" in April of last year, I took a week and traveled to Montana to drink beer with Denise, Mark, Andy, Stu, Shannon and the AAA gang. I flew into Salt Lake City so that I could get my skiing fix and ended up staying with a friend from Orlando in beautiful Alta ski area's Cliff Lodge (my vote for most scenic view from a roof-top hot tub). I also managed to get some very pleasant Utah spring skiing in here, as well as Snowbird and Park City.

Over the spring and summer of '97, Joann and I took some pretty cool weekend trips, including one sport-filled couple of days to St. Petersburg and the Gulf Coast where we saw the Canucks play the Lightning (NHL), the Yankees play the Phillies (MLB Spring Training) and the Magic play some team or other (NBA). We also caught by accident a very cool parade and party in old town Tampa Bay where Joann got lots of beads for me (though she assured me it was not from showing her breasts).

An extremely enjoyable day of spring skiing at Snowbird

And, while looking for work last summer, I spent several weekends up the East Coast to attend interviews here and there. Though only one of the jobs was interesting, the trips were cool because I took the opportunity to travel to some areas where I hadn't been before; New Jersey to see Shawn Thompson; Annapolis for crab cakes and to visit the Shawn Hart shrine at the Academy; and Washington D.C. to see the Smithsonian, tour the National Gallery, and visit the Presidential Intern Memorial, dedicated to all those young men and women who have given so much in the servicing of the White House.

Then, in the fall, Kay suggested that since I had so much flexibility in my schedule (i.e., was essentially unemployed) that they use some of Phil's airmiles to bring me over to the UK for a month or two. This was very cool and I spent five weeks over Xmas and New Year's getting to know my nephew and niece, drink beer down at the pub and watch football (soccer). Even went to a Chelsea game (my first live English Premiership game to match my World Cup, Olympic, MLS and MISL ticket stubs). Also, I worked at the London International Boat show for a few days selling GPS systems and hanging-out with the very groovy Next Destination gang for some excellent dinners, embarrassingly bad karaoke and lots of late-night downtown London drinking.

Is Phil dressing Tophie or just preparing for the administration of his own medication?

Anyway, to begin wrapping this up rather nicely, it was while in the UK while checking messages at home, that I received the call from the recruiter about the bakersfield.com position. I was back in Orlando for a week or so when I flew out to California for a couple days of interviews and then to L.A. and a weekend hanging with Jeff. A couple of weeks later, I was busy packing up pornography and going out for a last drink or two with the gang in Orlando.

It was at this point that Joann and I arrived at the inevitable conversation about the future of our relationship. We couldn't decide what to do and decided to postpone any decision by spending the next eight days together in a Ryder truck driving across the country. What we would have really enjoyed was a bar-tour of the southern states, but instead found ourselves continually looking for restaurants suitable for a three-and-a-half-year-old, Devon being with us. However, we had a great time anyway with stops at a cool little crawfish bar in a tiny, out of the way Louisiana bayou town, a river tour in San Antonio, and a nice bottle of wine at a little Italian restaurant in Santa Fe (outside of which Devon played in snow for the very first time). The girls and I arrived in Bakersfield in time for a thank-God-we're-here-Valentine's-Day-dinner, and a weekend looking at houses (this was when I believed Joann to be still planning to move to California), then down to LA for their flight back to Florida.

Bakersfield & Beyond

My second weekend in Bakersfield, I took a road-trip up to San Francisco to drink beer with Jeff Benson, Kari, Barb and the rest of the Montana AAA Travel Agency crowd.

Then as luck would have it, two business trips in my first five weeks at The Californian took me to...you guessed it, Florida. So, after a Zip2 sales management conference in Orlando, Joann, Devon and I spent a great couple of days getting reacquainted at a cute little beach-side hotel. Back to California, then four days later, I was in Miami Beach for a marketing conference where Joann flew down to join me for the weekend. We had a great time taking romantic walks along the beach, spending the day at fun and romantic South Beach bars and then renting romantic porno movies on the hotel cable system.

A month or two later, for Memorial Day weekend, I flew to Seattle to catch up with the sandal-wearing, latte-drinking, umbrella-carrying crowd, most of whom I hadn't seen in near three years. While there, I played a couple of games of pretty good golf (for me), hung out with Andrew (who's bought this cool condo with a Frasier-eye view of the Seattle skyline), Shawn (who it seems won't socialize in groups of more than three), Jim (who's now working for Boeing and has actually become more normal?), Leland (who drove up from Portland for the event and is reportedly dating - women), Cindy (who's bought a house in Tacoma with lockable liquor cabinets), Brian & Crystal (who oddly haven't changed much at all), Jack (who's bought a house near Olympia and now works for Alaska Airlines), Greg (who also hasn't changed), and Carol (who still works for the Space Needle). Oh yeah, we also drunk some beer.

And, while in the Seattle area, I spent a night up in Arlington with Ron and Bud where I was asked to hold their baby horse while her mom (not Bud's) was mounted by the stallion (not Ron). Or that's what was supposed to happen had the mother horse been in the mood. What a production; dogs barking, hooves flying, horses rearing, cats scattering, ropes straining, saliva spraying, bared teeth, and frightened babies. And I thought the coordination and effort that goes into getting myself laid was excessive.

La fin (mon Dieu, merci!)

Luckily, Jack Bowen is an easy baby to juggle after several shots (me, not him)

In July, just a couple of days before I was supposed to attend a pre-wedding shower for Jeff & Colleen in L.A. (see more below), it occurred to me that I had been sitting on an airline ticket that was about to expire. The airline told me that in order not to lose it, I had to use it that weekend and the only place I could go from Los Angeles without spending a ton of additional money was Charlotte, a place to which I had never been. So, the next day I was on the way to North Carolina with no firm plans of what the hell to do when I got there. Of course, everything turned out fun. I spent the night in Charlotte, having a beverage at a cool downtown bar. The driving down to Atlanta for the rest of the weekend to drink beer with Dan & Patty in Buckhead.

I hold Jeff steady moments before he becomes Mr. Colleen Hazard

Back to Bako, then a drive up the coast to Carmel to assume my obligation as part of Jeff Bowen's wedding party. This was a very cool affair with an outdoor ceremony at a beautiful hotel overlooking the bluffs and the ocean. It was very much like a college reunion when I drank beer with Jeff; John/Beth (whom I hadn't seen since their own wedding in Spokane three years earlier) and their new son, Jack; Andrew, who by now I'm getting pretty tired of having spent most of Memorial Day with him; and assorted other relatives and hangers-on.

Then, as these things tend to happen, a received a couple of cool Orlando-esque visitors, with Kirk Mackey joining me for a few nights in local bars and hot-tubs. Then a week or two later, Lori Wasserman, also of Orlando fame flew down from San Francisco for a night. Then the next morning we drove down to Scott & Columbine Hochgesang's cool new house just off the boardwalk in Venice Beach, where we rollerbladed, I was randomly selected to demonstrate my dancing ability for a large crowd, had a few beers and hung out with Rick and Susan Colletto who joined us for the evening.

The home of Buck Owens!

Anyway, been in Bakersfield for about eight months now, and as usual, my new home is sort of growing on me. The summer was dang hot, upwards of 112 degrees a couple of times, but at least it's a dry heat (take note Florida friends). However, it's really cooling down now and I'm told we can look forward to a dry anti-El Nino winter (El Nina?), which, with my luck, means shitty skiing now that I'm back in a state that actually has snow.

A sign upon entering Bakersfield that gives you just a feel for the culture here

I want to save some material for the next issue, but I can say that so far that Bakersfield's turning out pretty cool. The town itself is kind of provincial and has a small-town "feel" to it, though the metro area has about a quarter million folk and cattle doesn't wander the streets till after dark. The nightlife is nothing like Orlando's (which is not necessarily a bad thing considering how much beer I drank there), but there are a couple of bars that aren't too bad. Homes are inexpensive here and traffic is a joy compared to everywhere I've lived except Helena, where there are only seven cars (but it still has the night-cow problem).

Cindy hides a tree behind her back as part of my surprise birthday present (which, by the way, was October 5th!)

At the southern end of the San Joaquin Valley, Bakersfield's pretty centrally located. It's only an hour and a half west to the coast, east to the mountains, or south over the Grapevine to L.A. Plus, as an added bonus, it's the home of Buck Owens and his Crystal Palace, voted best "venue" or "honkytonk" or something at this year's Country Music Awards!

As usual, my life is pretty hectic with little down-time. When not working, I've been playing a lot of soccer, riding my bike when I can and making some great new friends.

Well, that about brings us up-to-date. Look for an Orlando vs. Bakersfield MWPCFAHG in the next issue (to be published most likely sometime after I've moved away from California).

Don't forget to take the "Be Like Mark" Quiz before you log off. And, check out this website periodically for updates. Also, please try to email me every once in a while you loafing bastards!

About a year and a half ago, my "friends" Shawn Hart and Ron Walcher prepared a little parody of Mark'sWorld, entitled "UpMark's" (wishful thinking on their part I believe). Some of you will remember Shawn and Rawn (or alternately, Ron & Shon) as web-toed, banjo-playing, overly-familiar, siblings that were separated at birth "but not often since."

After editing the maliciously slanderous hearsay from their little publication, I posted what remained printable on my website. But, to make up for these strict editorial controls, I felt obligated (and foolish enough) to also post their crude, obviously fabricated image of me enjoying carnal knowledge with a rather large pig.

Up Mark's

An underground defamatory newsletter devoted to the deflation of Mark's head.
Holiday Edition 1996-97

Health Report

Mark's Soiled Briefs

Michael Jackson: The monkey is happy.
Ollie North: Don't ask, don't tell.
Hillary Clinton: He is living proof of my recent book "It Takes a Village Idiot."
Hugh Grant: Mark blows me away.
Jim (from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom): He knows his gerbils.
Mike Tyson: The amoebaen Theban slipped me a placebin so I pretended I was sleepin'.

Social Scene

Top Ten List

10. Locals found out he wasn't an NRA member.
9. He voted for Clinton.
8. He rode sidesaddle.
7. Nature touched him in ways that made him feel uncomfortable.
6. State rodent support enforcement officers found him.
5. In the bitter cold, something turned black and fell off.
4. Jack booted thug had a crush on him.
3. Bars didn't serve banana daiquiris.
2. He attained an allergic reaction to Rocky Mountain Oysters.
1. The ram found out.